


Sophie's Choice

by Accal1a



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Gen, Hostage Situations, Kidnapping, M/M, Secret Santa, Suicide Attempt, Ultimatum Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 06:30:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12978102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accal1a/pseuds/Accal1a
Summary: Logically, Magnus and Alec knew that with their respective roles as leaders, they would have targets on their backs. They just weren't prepared for how that target was going to manifest.Can either, or both, of them survive it?Written forMalec Secret Santa 2017.





	Sophie's Choice

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Malec Secret Santa for 2017.
> 
> I asked my giftee how much angst I could give them and the response was: "oh god my heart is bleeding and I want to die but I'm enjoying this too much to stop help me."
> 
> Which basically absolves me of any responsibility. **#Truefax**

“Here's the deal, Mr. Lightwood.” 

Alec looked up through his too-long hair, not wanting to give the goon in front of him the satisfaction of the wince he wanted to show from the pain across his shoulders. He was lying down for some reason and his whole body seemed to ache. He'd taken a pretty big beating when they'd been jumped outside the club they'd been scouting.

It was as if Alec's thoughts suddenly caught up with him. _He'd been with Jace_. They'd been scouting a possible demon den in TriBeCa and they'd encountered way more resistance than they had anticipated. He remembered putting down over ten demons, him and Jace working in sync as always. After they had all gone, he remembered thinking it was over; and then a knock to the head had taken him down. Which was pretty embarrassing, if he thought about it too much. 

He moved his head to scan the room and nearly threw up when he was hit with a debilitating wave of nausea. He tried to move his hands to his head, thinking that might help; but his hands were pulled up short. It was only then that he noticed his wrists were enclosed in metal manacles, a chain connecting them to the floor.

Struggling to his knees, he found that he had about two feet of chain, not enough to let him stand; but enough that he could sit up, which he did.

“Where's Jace?”

The man chuckled and Alec started to count the many ways he was going to hurt him if he'd hurt his best friend.

“He's behind you. Move slowly, those drugs play havoc with your system.”

Alec was in the middle of turning and also saying “What drugs?” when the man walked forward suddenly and blew powder into his face. He tried to stay awake, tried to carry on turning to check on Jace; but he couldn't make his body comply with his wishes.

As his world faded to black, he thought he heard laughter echoing in his ears.

~~~

“Alec! Alec! By the Angel, Alec, would you just...”

“Five more minutes.” Alec muttered, clawing his way back to consciousness.

Alec heard a relieved sigh; and it was that that cleared his head. That was the sigh of someone who had been worrying for too long. It was a sigh that he himself knew he'd done many times whilst waiting at Jace's bedside in the Institute's infirmary. As soon as Jace had wisecracked, or sworn (usually a mixture of the two) Alec let himself breathe again.

He sat up in one swift movement, groaning when his vision swam and bile rose in his throat.

“Easy.” Jace said softly from somewhere behind him.

Alec tried to move his hands to his head and heard the clink of chains. _Kidnapped. Right._ He sat up slowly, turning even slower, shifting so that the anchor to his chains was in front of him; and braced one elbow on his folded knee so he could rest his head in one hand.

“Hell of a Friday night.” Jace joked; but Alec could tell his heart wasn't really in it.

Alec groaned, cracking one eye open to check whether the room had stopped spinning. “Any idea what's happening?”

“Kidnapped.” Jace said, smiling slightly and wiggling the identical manacles circling his wrists, causing the chains to clink.

Despite himself, Alec smiled. 

~~~

“So, what's the deal?” Alec said brusquely as soon as the door to their cell opened.

The man laughed. “Straight to the point, I see.”

“You're the one who knocked me out before you could tell me before.” Alec bit back.

“Alec...” Jace said with a warning tone.

“Yes, Mr Lightwood. Listen to your _friend_.” The man made friend sound like a dirty word. And Alec found himself thinking that maybe he didn't have any friends of his own, and how sad that was for him.

“The deal is this. You,” he pointed towards Alec, “or him,” he pointed back at Jace.

“Me.” Alec said immediately.

Alec heard Jace shout for him as more dust was blown into his face. He tried not to breathe in; but he didn't manage it. Soon, he was collapsing to the floor again, the echoes of Jace's shouts ringing in his ears.

~~~

Jace had lost count of the number of times the man had walked into the room, taunted Alec and then blown dust into his face. Lost count of the number of times Alec had fallen to the floor, writhing slightly and then merely twitching, his eyelids flickering and his eyes moving quickly behind the lids. Lost count of the number of times Alec whimpered in his unconscious state. Lost count of the number of times he'd tried to get to his Parabatai, straining against his bonds and grunting in frustration. Lost count of the number of times he'd shouted for the men to come back, shouted for them to fix this; shouted for them to come back so he could hurt them; shouted for them to come back so he could get more information; shouted for them to come back so he could _kill_ them.

And he'd lost count the number of times he'd furiously wiped tears away from his own face, seeing the way that Alec had started to cry, even whilst he was unconscious. Pain he could handle, pain he accepted. He was a Shadowhunter and that life meant a lot of pain. But seeing his strong, proud brother taken to pieces by an invisible enemy was so heartbreaking to watch, he thought it would probably be indelibly inked on his mind forever.

These people needed to pay; and if it took him rubbing his wrists raw, making himself bleed enough that he had the lubrication to get out of the cuffs, then so be it.

~~~

“Me.” Jace said, as soon as the man walked into the room.

“That's an admirable sentiment Mr Wayland; but that's not how this works.” He turned to Alec. “Mr Lightwood?”

Alec glanced over at Jace who had an inscrutable look on his face, before answering the man in front of him, “me.”

One of the goons punched Jace square across the jaw, hard enough that Alec was sure he heard a crack.

Alec momentarily forgot he was chained; and tried to stand and protect Jace, like he always did. The man sneered when the chains rattled and he fell back to the ground.

“Me! I said me!” Alec exclaimed, still pulling against his chains.

“I know you did. And this is the new 'me'. Your self-sacrificing nature is admirable, Mr Lightwood. You would have just let us kill you with that stuff, wouldn't you? You'd have just died before giving them up. This is worse for you isn't it?”

Alec could hear the blows landing on Jace; but his gaze was fixed solidly on the man in front of him, remembering all of his visage so he could find him again, so he could kill him. 

“Isn't it?”

He heard Jace let out a gasp of pain, which Alec knew was as good as a shriek would be, that was all Jace would give them; but it was enough.

“Yes.” He bit out.

“That's what I thought.” The man said; and almost as an afterthought blew dust into his face anyway.

Alec heard him laughing all the way out of the door. And he wanted to stay awake enough to check on Jace; but he couldn't, the whirlpool dragging him down into blackness. He didn't even know if Jace was still alive, hadn't been able to feel him through his bond since they'd been in this hateful place. It hadn't mattered, he'd been able to see him; but now he had no idea whether he would wake up to another wisecrack, or a body. 

Swimming to the fore of his mind just before he lost consciousness was the fact the man said 'giving _them_ up'. Who else had he somehow dragged into whatever this mess was? Who else was going to get hurt instead of him?

~~~

Alec woke up to exactly what he had feared: Jace, dead, his glassy eyes staring at him. Even in death he was attuned to his Parabtai's needs. Alec thought he was lucky to get to see his eyes one last time.

~~~

Alec awoke to see Jace staring at him. He was bloody but still very much alive. 

For a moment Alec was confused. Hadn't Jace died? Hadn't he remembered that? He pulled his shirt up and stared at the Parabatai rune on his stomach. It was still there. He looked over at Jace again. 

Another man had joined him, Alec was sure he hadn't been there a second ago. Jace was running a stele over his Iratze rune and Alec saw his wounds heal, saw him take in a deep breath as the pain dissipated. He had hope that they were now going to get out of here, until he saw the man snatch the Stele when Jace had finished, dropping it just out of Jace's reach and mocking him about it.

 _Dust_. He thought it was making him weaker; but he couldn't make his brain un-fog enough to properly work it out.

~~~

Alec awoke this time to find Izzy dead at his feet and he bit out a strangled cry as he hugged her body to him. She was still warm. Had she been killed when he had been passed out? If she had, he would never forgive himself. If he'd been stronger he might have been able to save her.

~~~

Alec awoke to Jace taking another beating, laughing and taunting as it was happening. Alec knew what he was doing, had seen Jace employ the same tactic over and over again. He was drawing focus, making himself a target so he was hurt instead of him. It was a tactic that physically hurt Alec to watch. Seeing Jace in pain, and feeling the pain like a dull ache through his rune, was infinitely worse than him being in pain himself. Except he couldn't feel Jace's pain, couldn't understand why. He stared at their rune again, running his fingers absently over it, as if to check it's validity.

 _More dust_. Absently, he wondered what the compound was, what he was being dosed with.

~~~

Alec awoke and this time he saw his baby brother, the person he was supposed to protect above all others, dead, so far into the room that he couldn't even reach him, tied as he was. He struggled, trying to get to him. That was when Max moved and Alec realised he was still alive, still alive for the moment but dying nonetheless. He screamed in frustration as he saw the light slowly extinguish from Max's eyes, with him powerless to stop it.

~~~

Alec awoke, crying. He called for Max, spinning around, not seeing him. He didn't understand what was happening, didn't know why he was being subjected to this, didn't understand why this man was killing all his closest friends and family. What had he done to deserve it?

 _More dust_. Alec can't even bring himself to be interested in what it is any more, it was what it was and he was powerless to stop it.

~~~

Alec awoke and his heart clenched uncomfortably in his chest. Magnus, his beloved, colourful, flamboyant Magnus was lying in rags in his arms. Magnus' face turned up towards him with love. 

“You've made me so happy.” He whispered, limply clasping Alec's hand in his. “Thank you.” And then he relaxed bonelessly in Alec's hands and he knew he'd lost him.

~~~

Alec awoke and merely stared at the wall. He didn't know what he was supposed to do now. Except, apparently be drugged into oblivion. Jace was calling to him; but he didn't have the energy to reply, didn't even have the energy to turn his head.

_Ever present dust._

~~~

Alec awoke to a scene out of his worst nightmare. Isabelle was there, her pupils blown wide, letting herself be fed on by a vampire. This was horrific in and of itself and Alec found himself shouting to get her to stop, trying to get to her and coming up short due to the chains, again. Isabelle just stared back at him, her eyes unfocused. When the vampire turned to look at him, he noticed the brown hair and the slight chubbiness to his cheeks, as if he hadn't quite got rid of his baby fat. It was a face he couldn't forget even if he'd tried. Max. The child smiled at Alec, his fangs distended, then dropped his head again to Izzy's arm. She tilted her head back in ecstasy.

~~~

Alec awoke to Jace shouting, Jace trying to get to the Stele that had been left to taunt them, Jace stretching to try to get to Alec, all the while with a frenetic tone to his voice. Alec thought he should probably care about what was causing Jace such pain; but he couldn't bring himself to do so.

 _The way the dust glinted off the light when it was blown towards him was actually quite pretty_.

~~~

Alec awoke to Magnus, alive. He was overjoyed, found himself crying without realising; and immediately trying to get to him. Magnus fixed him with a look he had never seen before, sneering down at him. 

“What do you want, Shadowhunter?”

“What?” Alec asked, confused.

“Can't you see I never loved you, that you are so far beneath me. My magic makes me like a god, you were a fool to think I would ever want to be with something like you.”

Alec just stared at him, unsure what to say, the euphoria of a moment ago completely lost. It was then that he noticed Magnus had spheres of burning blue in his hands, the type he always used in battle.

Alec watched in stunned fascination as they were directed at him, smashing into his body and causing his entire being to seize up. He felt himself losing life almost immediately. It was quite peaceful in a way; and he found himself wondering why everyone always said death was scary. This wasn't scary at all.

~~~

Alec awoke to Jace being pummelled into the ground again, saw the wounds split open, watched the blood flow. He watched as the man handed the Stele over to Jace again, a knife at his throat. Jace ran the Stele over the healing rune, hissing slightly as he felt the wounds knit together. As before, the man left the Stele on a patch of floor they couldn't get to.

 _Had he turned his face into the cloud this time? Had he allowed himself to be drugged that time? He didn't know any more_.

~~~

Alec awoke just in time to see Jace walk out of the door with Valentine. He called after him, straining against the manacles; but he couldn't get anywhere. Somehow he knew he'd seen his Parabatai for the last time.

~~~

Alec awoke and someone died.

~~~

Alec awoke and he had to choose who to save, make an impossible choice that he would regret however the chips fell.

~~~

Alec awoke and he was the one killing his friends, killing his family. It was like the demon possession only worse, this time he wanted to kill them, this time he was fully in control.

~~~

Alec awoke and the world was burning, Demons abounded. The Shadowhunters had failed.

~~~

Alec awoke to utter blackness, a void, the end of time itself. And there was him, alone.

~~~

Alec swum back to consciousness slowly. He knew that the drugs were taking a toll on his system, because it seemed to take longer and longer for him to wake up after every bought of darkness.

The first thing he saw was Magnus in front of him, looking beautiful, even if he was passed out. He wondered what horrible thing he was going to see now. It had taken him a moment; but he thought the drugs were causing him to see things that weren't there. That was awful in and of itself; but what was worse was that he no longer knew which things were real and which weren't. He was pretty sure the horrors of Isabelle and Max hadn't happened, he couldn't see any trace of them in the room. He could see that Jace hadn't gone off with Valentine, wasn't dead. And Magnus? Magnus wouldn't hurt him, he knew that. It was just...well what was real and what wasn't? He was pretty sure that he'd had drugs blown at him again, so clearly only thought he'd woken up; and he was about to see something out of his worst nightmare. Idly, he wondered what hell it would be this time.

He heard an intake of breath behind him, and the soft "Magnus?" from Jace brought him back to reality. He nearly laughed out loud at that, because what was reality anyway?

If Jace could see Magnus too, he must be awake, which meant that Magnus must have been taken too. That, or his hallucinations were getting more complex. He wasn't ruling that out.

He let out a soft “No.” and stretched as far as he possibly could, the very tips of his toes able to touch Magnus, who looked so still. So what if this was a hallucination? He wasn't going to leave Magnus.

"Magnus. Magnus, please. Wake up. Magnus?" 

Alec has a lump in his throat. Because even if Jace could see him, this was exactly what one of the hallucinations had looked like. Magnus lying there so very, very still and Alec unable to get to him, Alec straining against his bonds and screaming for Magnus to wake up.

When he hears Magnus groan, he makes a choked sound in the back of his throat, a single tear falling down his cheek. "Magnus?"

"Alexander." Magnus groans, mirroring exactly what had happened when Alec first woke up. Alec saw the look on his face when he realised he couldn't put his head in his hands. Saw the way Magnus shook the chains. Saw the way blue sparks wove over his finger tips; but didn't form into anything cohesive.

"Anti-magic shackles. WHAT IS THIS? 1543?!" Magnus shouted at the room at large, he hated these damn things.

"Magnus, are you okay?" Alec asked, concern seeping into his voice from every pore of his being. Maybe this _was_ real.

"You're here. So I can't be that bad." Magnus answered. 

"You might want to re-evaluate that thought, Warlock." Their captor said, entering the room again.

Alec hadn't hallucinated the goons before. Or had he? He didn't know; and the confusion was making his brain hurt. 

Alec moved so that, in as much as was possible, he was shielding Magnus, who was tethered further into the room.

"How sweet." The man sneered. He opened his mouth to speak again; but Alec cut him off. 

"Me." He said, at the same time Jace shouted "No!" 

It was the frantic way that Jace said it that got to Magnus. There was clearly something more to this than he knew. 

After the dust had settled and Alec was collapsed, his body twitching, small "No!"s falling from his lips occasionally, Magnus looked at Jace. 

"How long?" He asked at the same time Jace said "What is it?"

"It's a..." Magnus swallowed, not wanting to say the thought out loud, not wanting to give it form lest that make it more true. It was a vain hope, this was Jace he was talking to. Jace who wouldn't take no for answer. Jace who would do anything for Alec and who would want to know exactly what they were dealing with, so they could fix it.

"Magnus." 

Jace sounded so small Magnus thought and that alone was enough to make him want to explain what was going on. He sighed, taking a deep breath before he started.

"If I'm right, It's a magical compound that...it was popular in the 1400s; but I haven't seen much of it since then. Someone must have started production of it again.” Magnus ruminated, connecting the dots in his mind.

“Magnus...” Jace said again, still none the wiser and somehow managing to sound more broken, even as a note of impatience entered his voice.

“It's like your agony rune..."

Jace looked up so quickly it would have been comical in any other situation. "What?"

Magnus continued as if Jace hadn't interrupted. "...But it's different. Instead of causing immeasurable physical pain..."

Jace looked quickly away and then looked back, the fact that The Inquisitor had tortured one of his friends, albeit accidentally, still weighed heavily on him.

Magnus gave a wan smile, trying to convey that he didn't blame him. At least no more than he blamed any other Shadowhunter. God, the Clave needed some serious rework.

Jace gestured for Magnus to continue.

"...it latches on to your deepest fears and teases them out, giving you hallucinations of what they could manifest as."

The silence in the room was deafening.

"I don't get it." Jace said finally, "why aren't they drugging us too? If their point is to torture us?"

"Because this isn't about hurting us. This is about hurting him." Magnus said sadly.

It took Jace a split second; but then he understood; and the full weight of it came crashing down around his ears. Him and Magnus. _They_ were the hostages. They were there to keep Alec in line. The threat to their lives implicit, not specific.

"Oh."

Magnus didn't think he'd ever heard a single syllable infused with such heartbreak before. 

"Yeah."

Magnus carried on, wanting to tell Jace the whole of it now he'd started, felt the information like bile in his throat that needed to be expelled.

"It starts off just by knocking you out; but over time it preys on your worst fears, causing you to have vivid dreams. If it goes on for too long, you're driven mad, no longer able to distinguish fantasy from reality." Magnus finished, tiredly. 

"What?!" Jace said, shocked. "He didn't, Alec hasn't said..." 

Magnus looked up tiredly. "Would he?" 

"No, I suppose not." Jace paused; but then almost as an afterthought, he carried on, speaking so quietly that Magnus would have had trouble hearing him if it wasn't for the deafening silence in the room, "why can't _I_ feel the effects?" 

"I'm not completely sure; but it messes with magical connections, so maybe it messes with your Parabatai bond too." 

"Oh." Jace said, staring down at his brother. 

“So,” Magnus said quietly, “how long?”

“That depends. How long have we been gone?”

They lapsed into silence after that, watching Alec twitch, unable to draw their eyes away.

~~~

Alec came back to himself slowly, blinking in the too harsh light of the room. For a minute, when he woke, seeing Magnus chained to the floor, he thought he was still hallucinating, thought he was about to see blood bloom from his boyfriend's chest or the sickening thud of a blow landing; but he didn't. What he got instead was Magnus' warm voice.

“Oh, Alexander.”

Somehow the way Magnus said it cemented Alec in reality. This was real. At least he was almost sure it was. Yet he was both relieved and not relieved to find that Magnus was there. He was pleased he didn't have to see any violence; but the likelihood of him actually seeing it if they had similarly been kidnapped, loomed large in his vision.

“I'm okay.” Alec replied, trying to inject some conviction into his tone, as he struggled to sit up.

Magnus moved as close as he could to Alec, legs reaching out across the distance.

Alec mirrored his boyfriend's movements; and they found that they could sort of tangle their ankles together. Which was better than nothing, even if it did make Alec want to cry.

“No, you're not.” Magnus and Jace said in unison.

Alec found that he couldn't contradict them, and if he was honest? He didn't want to.

 

~~~

“It's been fun, Mr Lightwood; but it's the end of the line. Last test.”

Alec looked up, trying desperately to convey a stoicism that he didn't feel. The room was still spinning for one, the vertigo a constant now, regardless of the time of day. “Oh?”

“Only two of you are getting out of here alive. Think of it as a penance for all the deaths you've inflicted over the past year. But I'm not without mercy. You get to pick. Do we kill the Shadowhunter...or the Warlock?”

“What?” Alec said, disbelief completely colouring his features, the room righting itself seemingly with indignation.

“You heard me. I want you to remember this lesson, want you to really understand how you've affected us.”

_Stall for time._

“This is ridiculous.” Alec said, as two other goons took up positions behind the two people closest to him in the world, knives to their throats. “How is this going to teach me a lesson? Don't you know that if you do this, I'll come after you? If you kill one of these men, there's nowhere in the _world_ you'll be safe.”

“You want to bargain? Okay, I'll play. What's your alternative?” The man asked, knowing exactly the option the young Shadowhunter would choose. Banking on it.

Jace caught up at the same time Alec started to talk again, the strangled “No,” coming out of his mouth at the same time as Alec said “Kill me instead.”

“Alexander.” Magnus said softly, reaching forward slightly and causing a small bead of blood to form on the too sharp knife held to his throat.

“You want to send a message that you're not fit to be messed with? Kill the Head of the New York Institute. Show the Shadowhunters that you can get to anyone, even me. Show them that they're not safe and that they should leave you alone.”

The man seemed to mull it over for a few seconds; but Jace knew his game, knew that this was what he had wanted all along, could see it in the snide way that he finally answered.

“Fine.”

“But you have to let them go, first.” Alec said firmly.

“Now I don't think that's very fair. How will people know it's true, how will they know you're really gone? No. I think we'll let one of them go.”

The man made an exaggerated show of looking between Magnus and Jace, pointing at them both in turn.

Jace was struggling against his chains despite the very real threat of cutting his throat; but Magnus was still, trying to work out a way out of this.

The goon removed the knife from Jace; and yanked him to his feet. It was so quick that Jace didn't have a chance to recognise that he was free, before the hated man was saying “Think fast.” with Jace being thrown in the direction of a portal that had formed behind him.

Alec had apparently been so out of it that he hadn't even noticed one of the men was a warlock and not a human. He chastised himself for not picking up on it sooner.

Before Jace was swallowed up by the portal, thinking of the road outside the Institute, he saw the tableau that he was leaving behind. Magnus, a knife still to his throat and Alec, on his knees looking for all the world like he was offering himself up to be sacrificed; which, Jace thought, he supposed he was.

After the loud noise of the portal had been snuffed out in the room, the man once more turned to Alec.

“I assume your answer is the same? You don't want to be the second person to leave here alive? Killing the High Warlock of Brooklyn would send a good message too.”

Alec just glared at him, letting his furrowed brow and piercing eyes answer for him.

The man chuckled, moving towards Alec himself.

“Try anything else; and the warlock dies.” The man said, as he bent down to unlock Alec's cuffed wrists, dropping a knife at his feet as he did so.

Alec looked once out of the corner of his eye and saw Magnus still there, still with a knife to his throat, and he knew he couldn't do anything. Several ideas had rushed though his mind as soon as his bonds had fallen away; but he disgarded each one. They were all too risky. He sighed; and watched as the man left the room.

The goon who had had his knife to Jace's throat drew a bow and painted Magnus as a target, allowing the man who had been threatening Magnus to leave.

Finally, that man left too, locking the door and leaving the two of them alone.

 

~~~

Magnus felt like it all happened in slow motion. 

Alec stood up slowly, unfurling like a cat. And Magnus was awed by the poise he showed. Even bringing that sharp knife towards his neck, there was a gracefulness to him. Of course Alec wouldn't have wanted to die on his knees, of course he would have wanted to stand tall. Magnus thought he might burst from the pride and love he feels, the love that he's about to lose.

“Alec, no. Please you don't have to do this.” 

“Yes, I do.” Alec answered. “You have to live.”

“I've lived for centuries, you have more time, you can't do this.” Magnus begged.

“As long as you're safe.” Alec said, locking eyes with him, “I can do anything.”

Alec looked up at the ceiling and with one swift move, cut directly through his Deflect rune.

“ALEXANDER!” Magnus screamed, pulling so hard on the chains he felt scrapes and wounds opening around his wrists.

Alec fell in Magnus' direction and Magnus sent up a tiny prayer for that small mercy. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have been able to hold his wound, might have had to watch Alec just bleed out on the other side of the room, powerless to stop it.

For a moment, Magnus lost his head entirely. He doesn't have his magic, he can't do anything to save him, Alec is going to _die_. But then he remembers the Stele that had been used to heal Jace over and over again. Was it still in the room? Still left there to be a mocking reminder of what they could do, if they could just reach it?

Yes. There it was. 

Magnus stretched out with his legs, begging whichever deity that would listen that he had enough reach to hook the Stele that had been left in the centre of the triangle to mock the two Shadowhunters. Magnus couldn't reach, could feel himself crying from the frustration, the fact that Alec was going to die because he was too short. And he felt all of his magic well up inside him and the tiniest of blue sparks left his hand, enough that the Stele moved a foot closer towards him, enough that he could hook it with his foot and bring it towards where Alec lay.

“Alec. Alec! Don't close your eyes. Alec! I need you to use this.” Magnus pressed the stele into Alec's hand, who gripped it weakly.

“That's it. That's it. Now please. Please just...” And Magnus was trying to remember how to breathe, trying so hard not to break, because if he did, he might lose the amazing man in front of him. He was still pressing his hand over the wound, holding down with all the pressure he could, feeling the blood flow around his fingers, blood that was slowing down.

“You can do it. Just....” Magnus begged.

Afterwards, Alec would think that it was the 'please' that did it. He heard the desperation in Magnus' voice and he wanted to take that pain away. So he concentrated on the words that his boyfriend was saying, even as his vision darkened, and moved his Stele towards the Iratze runed on his stomach.

When Alec went limp, Magnus thought the worst, letting out a strangled cry, desperately searching Alec's wrist for a pulse. It was still there, it was weak but it was there. 

Magnus had never felt so impotent in his life. The manacles around his wrists kept him from doing all but shooting up more blue sparks, so all he could do was sit and wait and pray to the Angel (whom he'd never prayed to before but this seemed like a very good time to start) that the healing rune would take effect. He knew that for serious wounds sometimes it didn't take, knew that Alec may yet still die in front of him, with him powerless to stop it.

~~~

Magnus doesn't remember being rescued. He doesn't remember someone taking the mannacles off him. He doesn't remember forcing his magic out into the man he loved, who was still unconscious He doesn't remember getting back to his loft, Alec's too still body being carried by Jace over the threshold of the portal.

He doesn't remember any of it, but it must have happened, because he was there when Alec opened his eyes, there when he sleepily asked him if he was real, there when they both started crying, there when they clung to each other, their embrace saying far more than words ever could.

After some time, Alec pulled back, moving to clasp hands with Magnus instead, able to stare into his eyes.

"I thought I was going to have to watch you die." Alec said, the words barely a whisper on his cracked lips. 

Magnus didn't say anything, couldn't say anything. If he tried to explain the utter powerlessness that he'd felt in that room he'd never get through it.

"I couldn't choose.” Alec spoke, breaking eye contact as he did so.

Magnus knew that he was talking about the horrific images that Alec had seen in his head, knew some of them had been ultimatums that would break anyone. 

“I had a choice between you and Jace; you and Isabelle; you and Max; Jace and Max; Max and Isabelle; any number of combinations and I couldn't make the choice." He spat out bitterly.

"They were all in your mind..." Magnus replied softly; and Alec gave a weak chuckle. 

"It doesn't matter, reality or fiction, it means I don't love you best. I'm an awful person. You should run, now." He finished, all venom having left his voice, his head falling downwards, tears unbidden dripping to the floor. He was tired, didn't even have the energy to wipe them away, let alone the wherewithal to hide them like he normally would.

Magnus tilted Alec's chin up, locking their eyes. "You, Alexander Lightwood are not an awful person. You're not even a rotten person. All this has proven is that your heart is big enough to love all of us." 

"But..." 

“You tried to kill yourself to save us, that's not nothing.”

Alec cast his eyes down again, completely disbelieving Magnus' statement.

Magnus pulled him closer, holding him and hoping that his presence would be enough to start the healing that Alec so desperately needed.

Alec hugged Magnus back weakly, knowing that he didn't deserve even this small consolation.

~~~

Alec woke with nightmares often, half formed visions of all the heartbreak he had been through and more. He had been sick for the first few days back. Magnus had had to brew concoctions to help him sleep, help him deal with the withdrawal from the drug. Magnus wanted to tear those people to pieces for hurting Alec and briefly wondered what had happened to the goons who had taken them. He had been so focused on getting Alec to safety that he hadn't given them a second thought.

So, he stayed awake most nights, soothing Alec into sleep. Alec often lay with his head on Magnus' chest, his right arm draped loosely across his stomach. Magnus knew that Alec partially did it so he could hear Magnus' heartbeat and that thought alone was enough to hurt him. The fact that Alec didn't feel safe unless he had proof that Magnus was alive was something that made Magnus furious. These men had broken his love; but damned if he wasn't going to put him back together again.

Sometimes Alec woke and was convinced that this wasn't real, convinced that he was being shown a vision of a normal life, only to have it whisked away from him. Magnus had to talk him round, allow himself to be embraced and stroke his hair until he fell back to sleep.

The nights when Alec awoke begging for the dust were the worst. He threw barbed insults at Magnus, shouting that if he wanted what was best for him, he'd get him the drug. Magnus knew it was the addiction talking; but found his heart breaking anyway. To see his strong Shadowhunter reduced to this was sometimes more than he could bear.

Eventually Alec slept through the night, even sleeping on his side of the bed. Magnus still woke up every few hours though, he couldn't seem to break himself of the habit. Watching Alec's breath rise and fall would always be soothing to him, after he had come so close to losing him.

~~~

Magnus didn't think that Alec knew about his night time excursions up to the roof. Once he came back in, he always got back into bed and Alec snuggled him, warming him up. Alec never mentioned it in the morning, so Magnus just assumed that that was Alec sleepily hugging him, only half-awake and not fully aware of the time that had passed.

One night though, Magnus was once more staring at the city, a cup of cold hot chocolate in his hand. He had made it by hand, hoping that the distraction would help calm him down. It hadn't. When he got up to the roof, the smell of it had made him nauseous, so he'd just been holding it, not really noticing it was there. It had cooled at least an hour ago.

“Magnus?” A sleepy voice called from the doorway.

Magnus turned, clicking his fingers surreptitiously at the same time, heating the hot chocolate and making it seem like he'd just made it. The steam rose from the cup as he plastered a smile on his face, even though he didn't think he'd felt less like smiling in his entire life.

He linked hands with Alec when he got to the door, squeezing slightly before letting go, smile still firmly plastered on his face. He mused that it probably looked like a grimace by now. 

They went back inside, closing the door against the frigid weather outside.

Alec recaptured Magnus' left hand and led him to the sofa. When they were seated, he carefully took the cup out of his boyfriend's other hand, placing it carefully on the coffee table. After that was done, Alec picked up Magnus' right hand too.

“Tell me.” Alec said kindly.

Magnus marvelled about how lucky he had gotten finding someone so supportive, who loved him so much, who knew exactly when he needed to talk, who managed to ask without judgement, willing to accept whatever he told him, however much he wanted to share, knowing that over time the full truth would come out.

Magnus took a deep breath, surprised by how shaky it was. “I thought I was going to lose you.” He started quietly.

Alec didn't respond, just squeezed his boyfriend's hands, letting him know he was there, that there was a tangible link. That he wasn't going anywhere.

“We've been through so much over the last few months,” Magnus paused, “and...and I think I thought we were done with all that. I think I thought we would get to have a break, get to just be us. Valentine is dead, the rift is shut and sure we have demons to kill; but when do we not?”

Alec chuckled at that, moving to cross his legs on the sofa so he was sideways on to Magnus and able to get closer, his knees resting all along Magnus' upper leg. He knew there was more coming; and he wanted Magnus to feel as supported as possible.

“Oh God and then this happened. This, that was so far outside anything we were expecting that we hadn't even planned for it!”

Magnus wrenched one of his hands out of Alec's using it to run it through his hair, messing up his bed head even more.

Alec would have smiled at the nervous tick if the situation wasn't as it was. Instead, he caressed Magnus' hand, running his thumb up and down the back of it.

“The thought of it! Losing you to a set of rogue warlocks! It's surreal.” Magnus continued, sounding incredulous. He quickly calmed down from his outburst and seemed to shrink into himself, carrying on quietly. “I should have been able to protect you from that. From my people.”

Alec gripped Magnus' hand tighter.

“No-one could have predicted this, Magnus. You're not to blame, you have to know that.” Alec replied, surprised Magnus even thought that.

“You're a target now,” Magnus replied, ignoring what Alec had said, “you're a target because of me, Alec. I might as well have hurt you myself.”

Magnus wrenched his hand out from Alec's and stood up, pacing.

“I did this.” Magnus finished quietly, seeming to run out of steam completely. “You should run.”

Alec stood up quickly, crossing the short distance to his boyfriend. He reached for Magnus' right elbow, pulling him in closely, his other hand around his waist. He held him tightly, trying to convey in his actions, as well as his words, the depth of feeling he had within him.

“I'm not going anywhere. I'm never going anywhere. You're stuck with me.”

Magnus gave a shaky laugh, slightly embarrassed that a small tear escaped down his cheek at the same time.

Alec smiled, moving his right hand to wipe the tear away and place a chaste kiss on his boyfriend's cheek instead.

Magnus smiled at that, looking deeply into Alec's eyes, pulling him closer, so that their bodies slotted together, both arms around each other's waists.

“I love you, Alexander.”

“I love you too.”

~Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, I hope you enjoyed it. I had great fun breaking the boys and putting them back together again! :D


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